Frustration.

i really want to understand the world. i want to understand the brokeness. understand the tears of a girl who sells her body…understand the pain of the little boy beaten by his father… understand the starvation of a family across the street… understand the need to sleep with someone else when you have a bed with someone you love.. understand the ease to say hurtful things about another human being… i want to understand the masks. because im getting pretty tired and frustrated!

family.

3 of the most gorgeous girls in my life, the kind of friends you can call family. so in love with them

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it’s funny, me and bryce were having a conversation about the clothes i used to wear when i’d go out when we started seeing each other. could be described as any choice of word starting with S, generally in the slutty region. i think the way i used to dress, and the fact that sometimes i still have that urge to dress that way really shows the way i used to, and sometimes still do see myself. some part of me believed that the only way to get guys attention was to dress provocatively. I’m all about being proud of your assets, but flaunting them definitely got me attention- from the wrong kind of guys. i have been told by several people that all it really gained me, apart from some drunken hook ups, and random texts in the middle of the night telling me im beautiful (come over and “snuggle”) was a reputation. we are percieved the way we present ourselves, and as defensive as i was when i was told about my “rep”- i look back at photos and think…wow, looking a little raunchy.
these guys that pay as that temporary attention and flatter our looks and our bodies in order to satisfy their own needs are not the guys i want affirming my worth. i don’t need to show my boobs and legs to make the world think i’m beautiful. because they will never seek who i am, and what my worth is if i am giving them myself on a platter. they have no reason to seek or pursue, when i make the chase so easy.
lately when i doubt bryce’s love for me, or get nervous when a girl’s large perfect boobs walk by, or crumble in insecurity and self doubt because he admired another girl on TV..i’m really made to step back and realise this is a guy that has made it very clear he wants me for me. that when i grow old and wrinkly, he will still find me attractive. that i can be beautiful in trackies and bed hair.
it’s an important truth to learn.

pondering…

im struggling to determine what my beliefs are and where to draw the line as to what i truly think for myself as opposed to what i let others impose on me. i feel like i have a really strong sense of right and wrong but somewhere along the line it’s been blurred. i have people talking in my ear the same old thing, but suddenly i don’t agree. i feel a great happiness, and i’m confused as to why that’s not enough. i don’t feel guilt anymore, but is that because my conscience has desensitised itself to what i’ve always allowed in. i need an answer and i am not getting a thing.

Australia Day! :)

has spent my day off floating down warrandyte river and going to the strawberry farm with some lovely ladies, and listening to Triple J’s hottest 100! : )

feeling incredibly blessed to live in a country that stands for freedom and acceptance. that welcomes others in, that encourages people to stand up for what they believe in, and that gives people the chance to live out their dreams

happy australia day everyone! xxx

Growing up.

“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”
    -NICHOLAS SPARKS

I have grown up in the past few months. and its hard…because i feel like im leaving people behind. but i’ve realised that saving money is more important right now then wasting it on alcohol… spending time with my close friends, boy and family is more important then dancing with a bunch of strangers and sleazy boys… getting a good night sleep makes me happier then staying out til all hours and spending all my sunday in bed with a hangover. i feel happy, refreshed and in control of my life and i really like that. i dont have that need inside me telling me that getting drunk will make me forget my problems; that having a night out will give me the fun i need to make me smile; that finding a random boy who likes what i look like when hes had a few beers will fill that lonely part inside me. i dont have the need for that lifestyle anymore one little bit.